Sunday, 25 March 2018

From the heart...

My physical health had been playing up recently and I couldn't work out what was causing it. I assumed that all the recent stress and anxiety from sorting the divorce finances was the root cause, and it would sort itself out once resolved.

Other thoughts and feelings kept popping into my head but instead of paying attention to them I ignored them. It wasn't until going to see a therapist friend for a treatment that I realised it was something else.

For years I have blamed myself for not being able to have children. I have never forgiven myself for opting to have a hysterectomy, seeing it as a betrayal, even though without it my life was a cycle of pain to the point of not being able to work, let alone function on a daily basis.

I have always wanted children. I ache when I think about it, even now at the age of 50, 15 years after the hysterectomy, it still hurts. 

I feel empty in one sense, unfulfilled, but I have all this love stored up ready to give to my children that will never be. The sadness can be overwhelming, it's locked inside me. I seem to be keeping it there to hurt myself with, to punish myself for taking away the chance to be a mother and as a reminder of what could have been.

And now I need to stop that hurt, it's time to let it go, to forgive myself. It was not my fault, I had no choice, but now I have. Now I have a loving, understanding partner who deserves the love I can give her. The love that I have locked away deserves to be let out to see the light of day.

We are both worthy of that love - we can use it to pave the path to our future. It can free me from the hurt of the past. I deserve to be happy and I am worthy of the love I have been denying myself for so long.

Having a partner that gets me, who can read me like a book is so liberating - there is nowhere to hide so I don't need to any more. I can finally be myself, and with the love a support we give each other the future is ours to write.

Our pasts will affect our future happiness, how? Well, that's up to us... Me? I choose to be happy.

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