Other thoughts and feelings kept popping into my head but instead of paying attention to them I ignored them. It wasn't until going to see a therapist friend for a treatment that I realised it was something else.
I have always wanted children. I ache when I think about it, even now at the age of 50, 15 years after the hysterectomy, it still hurts.
I feel empty in one sense, unfulfilled, but I have all this love stored up ready to give to my children that will never be. The sadness can be overwhelming, it's locked inside me. I seem to be keeping it there to hurt myself with, to punish myself for taking away the chance to be a mother and as a reminder of what could have been.
And now I need to stop that hurt, it's time to let it go, to forgive myself. It was not my fault, I had no choice, but now I have. Now I have a loving, understanding partner who deserves the love I can give her. The love that I have locked away deserves to be let out to see the light of day.
We are both worthy of that love - we can use it to pave the path to our future. It can free me from the hurt of the past. I deserve to be happy and I am worthy of the love I have been denying myself for so long.
Having a partner that gets me, who can read me like a book is so liberating - there is nowhere to hide so I don't need to any more. I can finally be myself, and with the love a support we give each other the future is ours to write.
Our pasts will affect our future happiness, how? Well, that's up to us... Me? I choose to be happy.